One More Bite

Last night and this morning I had some gut sobs. At yet one more crossroads: declare that this purge work is all too much and give up. Or take a deep breath, snuggle up to God, l-e-a-n on Him, and move forward. Hopefully this post shows what choice I made.

At writers' group last night, I had the joy of hearing a writer move into new territory as she worked on the idea of having a column. Her work exploded with humor and honesty and most importantly, she had something of value to say.

Yeah. Sounds like me. But it wasn't me. On the way home I had to pull off the side of the road for a minute, because I felt as if I were choking. Literally struggling to breathe. I had such a wave of anger and sadness for what felt like all the aborted/assassinated/neglected possibilities in my life, that got cut short in their prime because of my need to cope with the doodoo other people had done to me/near me/about me, etc.

I prayed through the gut sobs last night and this morning. Allowed God to lift me up out of the sadness, and out of the chair I felt mired in, and move me downstairs.



I didn't do "much." But I DID take one more bite out of that elephant. Don't those empty spaces look wonderful?



















And a little bit got fed to the trash can.












The surprising thing that I am giving away is all my stash of writers' magazines. Amanda has asked me several times about this--maybe I want to keep just a few? I so appreciate her tenderness in acting as a "guardian" for me, as I go through this Purge Process.


But what I'm feeling is that, at least in this area of my creativity, I need to really trust God. And as I step through the very narrow doorway from the Past into God's Present for me, I need to have my hands empty.

Hey, I just saw something in that last photo . . . "Publishing in Dad's Shadow." I choose to take that as a semi-humorous/semi-serious angel message: I am NOT publishing/producing my life in the shadow of my human dad. I am NOT living/creating a life in the aftermath of living with my children's Dad.

I AM, however, living fully and joyously in the shadow of my heavenly Father. My Abba/Daddy. Amen.