Art Studio

Got a little sad when I realized that over two weeks had gone by with NO work from me on the ButterFly project . . . then I realized how emotionally challenging the last couple weeks have been for me, concerning the events on April 9th.

So, I hugged myself, inside and out, and took a deep breath and started in again.

Amanda and I just finished 2 hours in the Art Studio.

I forgot to take a "before" picture, which would have really helped, because some of the areas STILL look pretty muddled, which they are. Remember, the goal of this project is NOT to organize and decorate. It's to sort through and get rid of any emotional bombs, and to toss and recycle as I go . . . and to KNOW what is there.

One more pass through the art studio and this part of the work will be done.

I appreciate that today, Amanda insisted we persist until I had some work space cleared on my wonderful art table.

MOre done

Amanda and I danced with Elllie Phant for 2 1/2 hours today. Made progress on the desk, and the bookshelves. I've got a bunch in the trash, to go to Senior Center Rummage Sale, to church, and whatever.

A Great Big Mouthful

Amanda and I worked together today, for a total of two hours. We mostly opened up space in the office and the utility room. Much work still remains in these areas, but I'll let the photos speak for themselves. (The utility room poses some problems, because I had a huge infestation of mice earlier this winter, and all my "cardboarded" food is in those two totes.)

I should have taken "before" pictures in the utility room, because the doorway was almost blocked, and I couldn't get to the washer and dryer to do laundry.










I also updated ElliePhant. The areas with colored patches are the rooms I'm in progress on . .

Half a Bite

One of those days. Didn't roll out of bed until 10am. Missed dance class at 8:30.

Except for brief financial meeting with Matt midday, I sat in my chair and worked crossword puzzles until around 6pm. Cried off and on. Wrote in journal a little. Mostly just breathed.

Finally around 6 pm Amanda called. The load lifted some.

I was able to put on a worship music cd and hop on the elliptical for 5 min.

Then downstairs. These two white bins were full. Now the trashcan is full and I have a handful of sweet things saved, to put in my journal. A few sweet lines from Ed J near the end of our time together, reminding me of how "good" I was to him. Several wonderful encouraging cards from Sharon.

I'm grateful the tide turned today, even if ever so slightly.

Magic Time

Well, with the time change this weekend, I ended up with 45 minutes of EXTRA time :)

Here's how it happened: I had very little sleep Saturday and Sunday nights, so when I was adjusting all my clocks one hour forward, (losing an hour), I somehow discombobbled on the little alarm that I use to tell myself when it's time to go somewhere.

So Sunday I was talking to Amanda when that alarm went off at 5:15 pm, telling me it was time to be picked up for house church . . . only it turned out that it was actually 4:30!!! So Amanda, quick on her mental feet, challenged me to work those 45 "extra" minutes on some ButterFly stuff . . . and I did!!!




I printed out one of the bazillion great elephant pictures Sharon had emailed me, and using that as a guide, I sketched a big Ellie Fant for my progress chart. I paper-glued in colors to represent the areas of the house I've already sorted . . . the pink splotches on her rump represent the bit-by-bit progress in the Rainbow Room. I love Sharon's idea of ending up with a Rainbow elephant, instead of a chewed up one (bite by bite).







The poem was one I unearthed recently in some sorting.

The bird is from the Welcome sign Amanda made for Sharon and Jim's visit.










Then I went downstairs and Mooooooooooooooooooooooooved the file cabinet and the office desk. As you can see, I have MUCH to sort to make that desk safe and workable . .










INch by inch . . . .

One more box

Had a great idea recently: use the fresh, just awakened energy right after I get out of bed, to tackle a chunk of the ButterFly project. For the longest time, "first thing in the morning" was my special prayer and study time. But my life is developing in such a way that I'm praying all through the day. And with several study projects, I'm also reading throughout the day.

So it is working very well to leap into some ButterFly work right after waking (on those days when I don't have to be somewhere early on.) I'm also finding that the chunk of ButterFly work that seemed quite daunting the night before, is not quite so intimidating in morning light.

A laundry basket was almost heavier than I could lift. I sensed it was full of stuff that would rouse response in me, versus a box full of old newspapers. And it was.

More than an hour later, the basket is empty, the trashcan is full, and yet the bed and floor are still covered with stuff to save, now sorted.








I was hungry and tired (more mentally than physically), but I pushed through and delivered all the dozen or so piles to their designated places. The Sunshine Room is now ready for the next wave of sorting.

LIttle Bit More

I'm proud of me. Midway through my 4th week of ButterFlying . . .and the second room is cleared of unknowns. The Kiwi and Sunshine rooms are not "done" in that they are not decorated yet. And I still will go through the hanging clothes and the bookshelf in the Sunshine room, but my biggest desire for this project is to have all the floor spaces cleared of boxes and tubs, and for me to KNOW exactly what is in each room. So, for that standard, those two rooms are DONE. Whew.




Here's a peek at the Sunshine room closet Before.

















And here's an After shot . . . I wonder how long it will take for the impress of that h e a v y tub to disappear :) And didja happen to notice what a rainbow of clothes I have????










Monday and Tuesday I started on the Rainbow room. This one sorta terrified me, because I knew it was densely packed with papers, etc. I also knew (hoped) I'd be encountering a lot of "me" in my writings, which is good, but also discombobulating, in that I feel I've sort of wandered away from my writing self . . I am searching her out again, for sure, but it's just sort of an odd feeling.







Had a great idea to use the newly tidied/simplified surroundings of the Sunshine room for at least some of the Rainbow room sorting. Worked in there several hours yesterday. Found a stash of quite a few of my journals from the past few years. Was astounded at how colorful and "wild" they were. I MISS that part of me . . I am so glad to be finding her again.



I really appreciate the support from the two of you . . . my rational brain tells me how much I've gotten done so far. And that even if I stopped now, every box and tub I've sorted so far would still be "done." And yet some other part of me says that yes, I have gnawed off and chewed up one whole leg of that giant elephant, which is quite an accomplishment . . . and yet there still clumps around my house this humongous THREE-legged critter . . .

Yes, Sharon, I liked your idea of having some sort of large visual, like a thermometer, or whatever, on which to chart progress. I had the same idea when I started, but chose to put my first batch of energy into the sorting itself, instead of into "bookwork" about the sorting . . but now I am feeling the neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed of some sort of visual--something that admits the whole huge project, yet allows me to mark off when I've managed to finish a chunk. I'll keep thinking of what I can do . . .

Friday's progress

Yes, I got blown off course this morning, but I refuse to let that take away my joy in yesterday's work.

My stated goal for this 3-month project was to sort through all boxes/shelves, etc. But along the way, other things call out to me. Like my bedroom. I thought I was gonna work on the boxes in that room's closet (that's what I did this morning when I stepped on the Bomb.)



But I took a look at my bedroom,


















and oh . . . my . .





.







it asked me to help it.








So I did.










A wonderfully healthy plant succumbed to this bitter winter, since it lived right under the window that I had open at night. Oh. I just realized why it didn't die during LAST year's very cold winter. I didn't sleep in this room. Duh. :) I only just moved back into this room, and evidently froze my poor plant to death.

Or nearly.














When I was cleaning out the planter, I saw this brave little twiglet. It asked me to give it another chance to grow, only could I please put it somewhere warmer? It is now in the sun by my beloved front window.











After a couple of hours, my room was vacuumed,
















rearranged,














and full of fresh perspectives.




Yay me. Oh yeah: clean sheets on the bed!!











But the fallout in the hallway still remains to be tidied. Oh well. As they say, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. Or something like that.

Well, poop.

Just dropping in here for a moment--I'll post more later. Had a great ButterFly day yesterday. Grabbed a few minutes this morning and dove into some more of what I started yesterday. Opened one box in particular because I'd seen on the list taped to the outside of it, that it contained something I'd been looking for . . . something I wanted to start using again this year, as part of my spiritual journey.

Totally forgot about one aspect of it until I'd unearthed the object. That one aspect turned it into a Big Larry Bomb. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Cried some. Then thankfully I had to head outdoors into the cold to watch my sweet son-in-law at the Polar Plunge . . also got to see our local police force decked out as Playboy bunnies . . scary. . .

I"m home now, with the evening stretching before me. Maybe sometime when I'm stronger, or something, I might be able to face something like this morning's bomb and shrug it off . . but not right now.

I am saying publicly here that I KNOW I'm self-medicating, with the Taco Bell drive-through run I just made, and the book I"m about to grab and read. . . oh crap . .more tears . .

But that's okay. I'm okay. I'm more than okay . . .

I will get through this crappy poopy purge, and I will find all the bombs and i will survive them all. somehow.

One More Bite

Last night and this morning I had some gut sobs. At yet one more crossroads: declare that this purge work is all too much and give up. Or take a deep breath, snuggle up to God, l-e-a-n on Him, and move forward. Hopefully this post shows what choice I made.

At writers' group last night, I had the joy of hearing a writer move into new territory as she worked on the idea of having a column. Her work exploded with humor and honesty and most importantly, she had something of value to say.

Yeah. Sounds like me. But it wasn't me. On the way home I had to pull off the side of the road for a minute, because I felt as if I were choking. Literally struggling to breathe. I had such a wave of anger and sadness for what felt like all the aborted/assassinated/neglected possibilities in my life, that got cut short in their prime because of my need to cope with the doodoo other people had done to me/near me/about me, etc.

I prayed through the gut sobs last night and this morning. Allowed God to lift me up out of the sadness, and out of the chair I felt mired in, and move me downstairs.



I didn't do "much." But I DID take one more bite out of that elephant. Don't those empty spaces look wonderful?



















And a little bit got fed to the trash can.












The surprising thing that I am giving away is all my stash of writers' magazines. Amanda has asked me several times about this--maybe I want to keep just a few? I so appreciate her tenderness in acting as a "guardian" for me, as I go through this Purge Process.


But what I'm feeling is that, at least in this area of my creativity, I need to really trust God. And as I step through the very narrow doorway from the Past into God's Present for me, I need to have my hands empty.

Hey, I just saw something in that last photo . . . "Publishing in Dad's Shadow." I choose to take that as a semi-humorous/semi-serious angel message: I am NOT publishing/producing my life in the shadow of my human dad. I am NOT living/creating a life in the aftermath of living with my children's Dad.

I AM, however, living fully and joyously in the shadow of my heavenly Father. My Abba/Daddy. Amen.

Howdy March!

Heard an angel message late last night: do some ButterFly work first thing after you get up.

Oh. But I do my best to give God the first part of my day, with prayers and Bible study.

Angel: That's fine, dear. He knows your heart. Go ahead and do the ButterFly work.



So I did. Set the timer and worked one hour. Got the third of four drawers emptied and sorted on the tall file cabinet in the office--main repository of old family stuff. Filled half of another trashcan.

Just, ceremoniously, wheeled FULL dumpster out to curb, whilst wearing jammies and flipflops.

Yes, we still have snow. No daffodils like some people we know. Just snow.

Progress

Doesn't this look waaaaaaaaaaaaay better????















Here's the office in its current state . . .clearly in need of help.




















On Friday, I spent a 1/2 hour on the files . . . sort of scanning what was where and what would go where. The files in the office were full of old stuff, some to save and some to toss.




















The most current files (which hadn't had anything added to them in months and all the papers that SHOULD have been filed were loose everywhere) were upstairs in the Rainbow room, because those file cabinets form the base of a desk in that room. But it is NOT the office . .








Today I used your advice, Sharon, and just sat with a trash can near by and picked/scanned/tossed/saved. Got two full drawers cleaned out. Found some good stuff. Brought the "active" files down from upstairs and installed them.






It really helped today to be able to talk with Amanda on the phone, and to check in with each other in 1/2 hour increments. I hope we can do that more often--especially when we are both working on something and the support is mutual.

whoopdedoo

I sorted the last box in the Kiwi room.

I think I'll tackle file cabinets next, because that will help future sorting, and it will also help me currently with bills, and also because the old files are from the beginning of my marriage and need to go.

Kiwi room

Amanda and I spent 2 hours in the Kiwi room . . . it's not done yet, but almost. I've got one more box of papers to sort . . .

I realize I'm still not processing EVERYthing, since there are clothes and shoes to go through, and bins of fabric. But actually I've gone through those within the past year, so they are relatively current. The biggest thing for me in this ButterFly project is the piles, etc, of Other Stuff, and that is what is almost done in the Kiwi Room

Yay.

Victory

I really don't have the words to say how great it feels to have dropped off two bags of stuff today. They had been up in the Kiwi room for a looooooooooooooooooooong time. One was a bag of Ed M's stuff, left here from last fall when he cut off our relationship. I had been thinking for all these months about whether to include one last item in the bag (returning something he had given me), but I was never at peace about my motivation. I kept praying. Finally felt at peace. Put bag of stuff in car. LIstened for leading on when to take bag to his place. Not even sure he lived in town anymore. Also haven't heard anything from him these last six months about the money he owes me.

Led to drive to his place today. His car was there. I heard noise in the apartment. I left the bag of stuff outside his door and drove away, feeling ever so free.

The other bag was some of larry's stuff I'd uncovered. What was holding me up was a notebook I found of his, with six months of notes he'd made,all full of prayer and remorse and how much he loved me and the kids, and how the messy feelings he had about his growing up, which he brought to the marriage, was the chief source of our marital problems.

I prayed long and hard about what, if anything, I should say to larry about the contents of this notebook. I told God I was willing to do whatever might lead to healing . . kept praying for a coupld months. Finally, yesterday, felt a peace and wrote a brief note and stuck it to the notebook. Left the bag at church and just emailed him that it was there.

Once again, feels like a HUGE step forward.

Two little grocery bags of stuff, but full of months of "The Past."

Plus, I just sorted one more box in the Kiwi room.

Yay me.

Yahoo

It's Friday and I just sorted two more boxes. Also started using some portable files I got at yardsales . .

Filled a trash can.

Did very well emotionally, coming across old cards. Divorce stuff.

I am really tickled at how I am feeling about this project. It still seems monumental to me. Sometimes I think of how many bites this elephant is going to turn into. But a little insistent voice tells me that every single box/shelf/whatever I sort, is just that: one more box, etc sorted.

I'm really proud of me.

Bite by Bite

Wednesday--no ButterFly work.

Thursday, one box sorted.

Inch by inch

Or maybe box by box. Woke this morning and was surprised to find myself eager to do more of the sorting, even though I knew that the next thing would be to tackle a box, and the boxes are where the emotional bombs have lurked.

I sorted one box today. Was about to tear into another, but got this nudge to finish off the first one--take the sorted piles to the rooms where they belonged, etc. By then, it was time to quit.

So far, I am just going into a room and starting with the wall to my right, and working my way around the room.

So I am currently in Room One, the Kiwi Room, and am on Wall NUmber Two . . .

Valentine's Day

Yesterday I made a pledge--a faint and timid one, but a pledge nonetheless--to make some sort of Start on my 3-month adventure.

And I did.








For 10 minutes--yessirree, ten whole minutes--I worked in my Kiwi Room, starting with the wall to the right.

Then I headed off to help teach a dance class.





Came home hours later, sweaty and tired. All I was gonna do was shower, relax, and go to bed.




Or so I thought. My sweet little body--motivated no doubt by that strong and persistent butterfly inside who'd waited farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr too long to see daylight--walked itself into the Kiwi Room and worked another 30 minutes.




The miracle to me is that I actually WANTED to be doing what I was doing. It felt like a gift to myself. Something I GOT to do, instead of HAD to do.












I'm on a roll, world . . .